Hey everyone!  It's Shawn/Alex!!!

So it's been four years since I've been on this site, honestly I'm surprised it hasn't been deactivated.  Alot has changed since my lady post, and alot has stayed the same. It's an odd mix of equilibrium. Every good moment meets a bad but that's life.

I think I came back here cause it seems so random of a place so no one would look. Kinda like my own space to scream my thoughts? Possibly not.

My thoughts are screaming with so many things but in all honestly I have no idea where to start, like it's a hornets nest of mixed ideas and they all meet in a messy knot that I can't get undone recently.

One string being gender and sexuality, another being loneliness and how to cope with one's self. I want to understand every aspect of who I am as a person before I can safly anything definitely. Maybe this is a good place to start, who knows.

I'm so very tired, but haven't been able to sleep lately, when I do i have this dreams that turn sout so fast that it scares me to try again.

I'll try to keep this updated if I can remember, my little place away from the world. I do hope you can bear with me just a bit longer. I love you all so much.

Current mood; sad, yet hopeful.
Current music "The best of times" by Sage Francis

I feel....

I feel like im waiting for something, like a text or a call; but I don't know why. I have a huge feeling of anticipation and it is keeping me up at night. I need help again, I'm getting afraid again.

I have so many problems.

I'm afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of being hated, I'm afraid of losing friends. Yet I push them all away so that they end up despising me.  I'm so happy I'm not who I used to be but at the same time i have no one to show that I changed, all of them from back then are gone, so it's kinda just me.

I lost a friend

I lost a friend to what they say is suicide. In reality we  lost  more than a friend. I lost a large part of my past with him. I feel like I won't be sleeping tonight.

There comes a point.

There comes a point in time when everyone will want to just curl up in to a little ball and become he smallest target they can physically become,  the problem with that is once they get to this point it is usually too late. whether it is by word of mouth or just their reputation, they will remain a large target.  I feel like my target will be huge for years to come, in all honesty idk if it will ever go away.  I'm sick and tired of being the bad guy.

It's been awhile since we talked, too long really.  I don't know why I still long for us to be friends, but I do.  i miss you, not your body but your mind, it was the best thing of you,  You were smart, but the right type of smart, and my god how i wished i listened to you.

I feel like something is wrong.

I have this pain in my chest every now and then, not huge just a little ouch here and there; but I've also found myself out of breath way more than i ever should be.  Also lately i just been thinking, and if you know me in real life, thinking for me is a really, really bad thing.  I start to think about her, and how I miss her terribly, i doubt ill ever get over her really but whatever.  Idk what else to wright, sorry.