Breaking hope

I feel like I can let out everything I feel one this site since I know no one will read it. I feel like I'm slowly fading away and every ounce of what kept me human is being drained from me, I would do anything to have you even look at me, yet your falling for another. God how pathetic am I. I lied to every one I cared about trying to make it seem like i was the victim all those years ago. I became the one thing I promised i never would become. it seem like every day takes all my strength, and only so few people understand it. My friends would never hear me say this but I pray every day to keep my body from the harm i one day feel like i will make. I'm far from religious but I do believe in my Gods and in my moments of need they were there, but there voices are fading, and im so tempted to just give up and meet them, to look them in the eye and said I cant hurt no more, im so broken that there is no way to fix me again. I've done so much wrong and so little right im surprised there is anyone beside me at all.